"Success can sometimes be a bitter pill to swallow. This holds true even more so when your ascent to notoriety is based on a rebellious spirit." - Aaron Rose

"What can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?"

"if I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows"

The Theme of H.A.T.E.U.

"When two people part it is the one who is not in love who makes the tender speeches"
- Marcel Proust

True endurance doesn't begin until the moment you find carrying on to be completely unfathomable. -John Mayer

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today
So you can cry
and
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today
So you can cry

the waiting is over
i mean...it's over

September 27th

4 years ago today, i was defeated...

today, I defeat myself

'We all have friends who, when they knock on the door and we ask, through the door, the question, "Who's there?," answer "It's me". And we recognize that "it is him" or "her"
- Louis Althusser

"If you just sit there the river gonna rise up drown you! Writing could be the boat carry you to the other side." - from the novel Push

when the morning comes...

feeling exhausted today

i kinda lose my faith these days...am i paying too much comparison or i just look down on myself? i know i didn't choose something wrong but just feel like even small little things are hard to control and there is even no time to just sit and get a conversation with God. i truly need Him to just take the wheel and ease me down for a bit.

maybe i just think too much after all these hectic exhausting stuffs to work on today...

I never felt magic crazy as this...

need to get a little distraction, among the works and stuffs....

do you ever wonder why Fall comes in September/October?

everything gets obscure...you're feeling it's there but they are not concrete, cause they're so sly and elusive then slip away, never know when it comes, when it goes....but make you fall into imagination, sneaking upon your head, feeling awkward yet so beautiful to make your day feel completed, so magnificent as you won't care about the outer, cruel world anymore. Just those little tiny appearance of 'you' shines my world, reflecting shadows of raindrops, bringing pleasantly cool breezes which i've been missing so long.

Push

reading halfway the novel Push

read it mainly because of the upcoming movie 'Precious' starred by Mariah Carey and it received great acclaim so far. The movie won't be shown until November. Glad that I get the chance to get the book at the library.

i love the characters, so real and you can just feel like you can appreciate so much based on small little things or you can pity yourself because the reality sucks every single day...so what's so precious with the virtue of reality?

a paragraph from the book would like to share:

P.87
"Song playing in my head now, not rap. Not TV collors flashing funny noise pictures in on me, scratching and itching in my brain at the same time. I see a color I don't know the name for, maybe one like only another kind of animal that not human can see. Like butterflies? I as Ms Rain tomorrow do butterflies see colors. Song caught on me like how plastic bags on tree branches. I sit on my bed. New picutre on wall now, I got Alice Walker up there with Harriet Tubman 'n Farrakhan. But she can't help me now. Where my Color Purple? Where my god most high? Where my king? Where my black love? Where my man love? Woman love? Any kinda love? Why me? I don't deserve this. I not crack addict. Why I get Mama for a mama? Why I not born a light-skin dream? Why? Why? It's a movie, splashing like swimming pool at Y, in my head. I see Abdul running away from me, he is like little animal running toward a cliff, I am running running too, all over is clowns with evil eyes laffing at me I can't run fast enuff, the music is playing louder now I going off cliff myself now, maybe I don't come back. Don't see Abdul. A huh! A Huh! I can't breathe! Song loud now real loud. I stop running. It's grass green all aroun'. I listen to song, I can hear it now. It's Aretha. I always did wish she was my mother or Miss Rain or Tina Turner; a mother I be proud of, love me. I breathe in, lay down on my bed. Bed, I remember, I finded for myself when Mama go off on me that last time. Aretha singing, "Gotta fine me an angel gotta find me an angel in my liifffe."

Irvine - Kelly Clarkson

i remembered the first time i was attracted to this song because of its title

this city had basically demolished my strength which I fought so hard trying to reserve. A deceived strength already not there, like a fish living in a pond barely had water to breathe - suffocating

i seldom listened to Clarkson, it's just not my type of music...but i couldn't say this on Irvine. It connected me deep down to my soul. It's haunting i would say, because of its lyrics, and the words that Clarkson said about this song:

"The last song on My December, "Irvine", it literally was the lowest point I've had in my life. I wrote it after my Irvine show on my last tour. I was just so burned-out. I was really struggling at getting somebody out of my life and finding people that really cared. The whole song is a prayer. I wrote it in the bathroom of the venue after the show. I had to cancel my meet-and-greet; it's the only meet-and-greet I've ever canceled. I couldn't smile. It was just a really, really bad night."

Irvine is my losing battlefield. A train wreck.